Start the Conversation with CARE

It’s always a good idea to check in. Do this when you’re first concerned about a friend or when a friend comes to you about a challenge they’re facing.  Let them know you care about them and are here to listen and help if they'd like.

Setting: one-on-one, semi-private, in a neutral space (out for a walk, eating a meal together, etc.) 

Tone: casual, concerned, open, curious 

Phrases that can help:  

• “I wanted to check in. How are you doing?” 
• "Do you remember when..." Share enough detail for this to be a specific incident, but let the focus be on you checking in. 
• “I’ve noticed...” Give a concrete example like, “You’re posting some dark things on social media, I haven’t seen you in a really long time, you haven’t been going to your classes.” 
• “I’m concerned about...” refer to the specific statement, behavior 
• Give them the option to talk “Is this something you want to talk about?” 
• If not, gently let them know that there are lots of kinds of support if they want it, including CAPS. 

When someone shares something difficult or vulnerable, acknowledge that. Tell them something like, “Thank you so much for sharing this with me, I know that was probably hard to do.” This can make a big difference in how seen, heard, and validated someone feels. 

Ask how you can support them in this moment. Sometimes we think we know what’s best for someone, but most of the time we don’t. Try questions like: 

• Do you want me to listen?  
• Are you looking for feedback or solutions?
• Can I give you a hug? or Would you like a hug?

Responding with compassion when you're concerned about suicide:

If the thought enters your mind at all that they may be suicidal, having suicidal thoughts, or at risk for suicide, ask them: “Are you thinking about suicide?”  

This is probably the part of the conversation that will be most uncomfortable to you. Don’t let that stop you. Ask anyway because this is also one of the most important parts of this conversation.  

Counselor tip: Practice saying, “Are you thinking about suicide?” out loud. Choose a friend or another family member to roleplay with and take turns asking the question.   

How friends can play a role in suicide prevention.

Responding with compassion when you're concerned about drugs or alcohol:

If you're concerned that someone's using drugs but you don't know, it's okay to ask, "Are you using any drugs?" Try to approach this without assuming that they are using drugs or how much they may be using.

If you've observed someone drug or alcohol use, ask open-ended questions like, "How do you feel about how much you've been drinking?" or "How have you been feeling when you're drinking/smoking/etc." Avoid judgment, lectures, or labels like "addict" during this conversation.

How to start a conversation about addiction.

Responding with compassion when you're concerned about relationship violence or abuse:

Let your friend know you care about them. If safety is a concern, let them know that you want to make sure they're safe. Try to follow their lead - ask them how they feel things are going or what they're thinking of doing about any relationship concerns they may have. 

If your friend is open to help, ask what they need and help connect them with support like Survivor Support Services. 

How to help a friend who may be in an abusive relationship.

Whatever someone’s going through, you don’t have to help them through it alone. Encourage them to get support, whether that’s from the family, friends, a mental health professional, etc. 

Wherever possible, end this conversation with a concrete next step. That next step could be going together to CAPS or making an appointment with their advisor, it could be planning to meet for lunch the next day or looking at supportive resources together. You don't need to know the answer to support your friend in their next step. As a friend, your role is to encourage them to name one small step they can take starting where they are in that moment and make a plan for checking in again together.

Counselor tip: Offer to go with them, ask who is a supportive person in their life that could go with them, schedule a time to follow up and check in on how it went 

Many of us have difficulty asking for help. It can be tough to know how to start the conversation and what to say. Tone down the pressure by focusing on one step at a time. The first step when we need help is to make any kind of contact.

Goal: Make a connection. You don’t need to start by asking for help.​ Just make contact. 

Once you've made contact, ask if you can talk about your concerns. It doesn't have to be right away, and you don't have to get into a deep conversation right then and there. Just ask, "Can I talk to you about something going on?"

If now isn't the right time, schedule a time to talk.

Goal: Let your friend know you have something important on your mind and find a time to talk.

Name what's going on and request help. Help looks different for everyone and can be very situational. Help could mean listening, brainstorming, problem-solving, walking with you to your counseling appointment, etc.​ If you can, specify what kind of help you need. 

Not sure how someone can help? Start by asking your friend to listen. You may surprise yourselves with their insights.

Goal: Let your friend know you need help and what kind of help you need.

End the conversation with a concrete next step. You don't need to have all the answers sorted out, but naming one step to take can help. Next steps might look like: making an appointment at CAPS or reaching out to a Peer Leader, attending a workshop, role-playing a tough conversation, scheduling a meeting with a professor, or arranging a time to check in again later. 

Goal: Give yourself an actionable next step.