Step 2: CARE to check in
Offering help and asking for support isn't always easy. The CARE step is to help you navigate these hard conversations because we all deserve support.
Check in with a friend Ask for help yourself
How Wildcats CARE
CARE, the second step in Notice. Care. Help., is all about checking in with yourself and friends who may be experiencing mental health struggles. Taking care of each other, even when it means having challenging conversations, is part of being human. You don't need to be a professional to do it. Simply being someone willing to check in can make a big difference. If you don't know where to start, you're not alone. CARE can walk you through it.
Use the CARE Steps to Help a Friend
CARE is broken down into four steps to help you easily remember how to approach a friend, loved one, or colleague who you are concerned may be having a mental health challenge. The four steps are Connect, Actively Listen, Respond with Compassion, and Encourage Help & End with a Next Step. These steps may not all happen in every conversation and they aren't linear, but they can give you a starting point of how to approach your conversation.
When you're first concerned about a friend or when a friend comes to you about a challenge they're facing, the goal is to find connection. Let them know you care about them and are here to listen and help if they'd like. Consider the setting you're in, the tone you use, and what you say to connect.
Setting: one-on-one, semi-private, in a neutral space (out for a walk, eating a meal together, etc.)
Tone: casual, concerned, open, curious
What to say:
- I wanted to check in. How are you doing?
- Do you remember when... [share something you noticed]... I'm worried about you.
- I've noticed... [share a concerning behavior]... I wanted to check in to see how you are doing.
- I'm concerned about [refer to the specific statement or behavior]. Is there anything you need?
If your friend doesn't want to talk, you can remind them that there are lots of kinds of support. Explore supports on the Resource Hub.
A: Actively Listen
Listening is doing something very important. You don't have to know the solution or fix the problem. In fact, being heard is often what we need! Active listening is an essential part of supportive communication. Here are some tips:
DO
- Stay calm, curious, and compassionate
- Listen with empathy without trying to fix the problem
- Ask how, when, what questions: how did that happen, when did you start feeling that way, what’s important about this to you, or simply say: tell me more.
- Paraphrase what they’re saying
- Ask if they're open to hearing ideas or solutions or if they just need to vent
- Offer to brainstorm solutions together
AVOID
- Trying to fix the situation or jump in with a solution (without asking first)
- Platitudes like, at least, you have so much going for you, or everything will be okay
- Judgment of what they’re saying and their experience
- Telling them their perspective is wrong
- A big reaction
- Why questions, especially those that suggest the feelings aren’t valid like: why is this bothering you? or why are you so sensitive about that?
When someone shares something difficult or vulnerable, acknowledge that. Tell them something like, “Thank you so much for sharing this with me, I know that was probably hard to do.” This can make a big difference in how seen, heard, and validated someone feels.
Ask how you can support them in this moment. Sometimes we think we know what’s best for someone, but most of the time we don’t. Try questions like:
- Do you want me to listen?
- Are you looking for feedback or solutions?
- Can I give you a hug? or Would you like a hug?
Responding with compassion when there are other concerns:
Suicidal thoughts, concerns about drugs or alcohol, or situations with relationship violence may require a bit more information or support. We can prepare ourselves to talk about specific topics by researching and reading about the best way to support people in these situations. You can always seek additional support from professionals too.
When talking about suicide, drugs and alcohol, or relationship violence try to avoid judgement, lectures, or labels. Lead with your concern and don't be afraid to ask hard questions like:
- I'm worried about you. Are you thinking about suicide?
- I've noticed you've been drinking more recently. Can we talk about that?
- I've noticed your partner can be kind of rude to you. How do you feel about that?
The final step in helping a friend with CARE is to encourage ongoing help whether that be with other friends, family or with a professional. If your friend decides to take action with a next step, you can offer to go with them, ask who is a supportive person in their life that could go with them, or schedule a time to follow up and check in on how it went.
Encourage Help
Whatever someone’s going through, you don’t have to help them through it alone. Encourage them to get support, whether that’s from the family, friends, a mental health professional, etc.
End With a Next Step
Wherever possible, end this conversation with a concrete next step. That next step could be going together to CAPS or making an appointment with their advisor, it could be planning to meet for lunch the next day or looking at supportive resources together. You don't need to know the answer to support your friend in their next step. As a friend, your role is to encourage them to name one small step they can take starting where they are in that moment and make a plan for checking in again together.
Use the CARE Steps to Ask for Help
It can feel scary to ask for help when you notice concerning changes or symptoms in yourself. You deserve support and the CARE steps are here to help walk you through the process. Explore the processes of CARE: Connect, Ask to Talk, Request Help, and End with a Next Step. These steps may not all happen in every conversation and they aren't linear, but they give you starting point of how to approach your conversation.
C: Connect
The first step in asking for help is to connect with someone you know and/or trust. This can be a friend, family member, professor, acquaintance or a mental health professional. Just making contact with them is a start, focus on one step at a time.
Goal: Make a connection. You don’t need to start by asking for help. Just make contact.
Tips: Everyone is different. Choose the approach that fits best for you!
- Ask to meet in person or have a phone call
- Make plans to do something that you are comfortable with whether that is going outside, playing video games, grabbing food, or going to an event
- Try texting if you're feeling nervous
- Remember: You deserve support
A: Ask to Talk
Great job! You've connected with someone you trust. You can take the conversation in any direction you choose or share however much you want.
Shifting the Conversation:
Once you have made contact with someone, ask if you can talk about what is going on. It doesn't have to be right away and it doesn't need to go deeper than you want. If it isn't a good time to talk, set up a better time.
Goal: Let your friend know you have something important on your mind and find a time to talk.
Try Saying:
- Can I talk to you about something going on?
- I've been having a hard time recently, can I tell you about it?
- I was hoping I could talk to you about something, is that okay?
- Would you be able to meet later this week? I could use someone to talk to about things I've been going through.
R: Request Help
Once you've asked to talk, you can share what help might look like for you. Help looks different for everyone and what you need may change from day to day. Here are some examples of help you can ask for:
- I need to vent. Can you listen?
- Can you help me problem solve?
- I need a second opinion about this.
- Can you help me call CAPS?
Goal: Let them know you need help and what kind of help you need.
E: End with a Next Step
You've asked for help and shared what's on your mind. Even if all you needed was a listening ear, it can be a good idea to identify any takeaways or next steps.
Keep Going:
You don't need to have all the answers sorted out. Naming just one step is enough to help keep up the momentum. There are lots of ways to take a next step. A next step may be something you do alone or with the support of someone else.
Goal: Give yourself an actionable next step.
Next steps might look like:
- Making an appointment at CAPS
- Reaching out to a Peer Counselor
- Having a set check-in scheduled with your friend
- Attending a workshop
- Scheduling a meeting with a professor